Don’t should on me
Mar 30, 2016
I was in a meeting recently, receiving feedback on some work I’m doing. One participant’s feedback reminded me of two really good pieces of advice that are the only things keeping me from feeling like a complete failure:
Don’t “should” on someone else. You’ve heard it before: “You should do this! You should do that!” We looooove to tell other people what they should be doing. In our enthusiasm to tell them exactly how to fix their problem, we tend to forget how that feels to the receiver. When I hear someone tell me “You should [fill in the blank with their possibly great advice]” it feels like that person is in my face, pointing the Index Finger of Judgement at me. Not only doesn’t it feel good, I tend to dismiss the advice so I can feel better.
What actually works is to take the “I” approach. As in “When I was faced with this situation, here’s what worked for me.” Make it about your experience to demonstrate a possible tactic. When I hear that, I receive the advice much better. Doesn’t mean I always follow it, but I definitely consider it more than when it’s shoved down my throat.
Second awesome piece of advice: “Just because someone is talking to you, that doesn’t mean she’s talking about you.” This goes hand-in-hand with the no-shoulding rule. Very often the feedback we get has zippity-do-da to do with us, it’s all about the other person. In this same meeting where one of my colleagues was telling me exactly how to feel and act, I realized it felt so personal that she probably was talking about herself. Thinking about it some more, I could cite a handful of times I had done that to someone else myself. I was dismissive to another on exactly the aspects of my work that I had very little confidence in. Basically, I was telling someone else what I really needed to hear.
Take notice the next time you find yourself saying “You should . . . “. Can you pivot to make it more like “Here’s something I’ve tried, in case that helps.” Especially if you feel really fired up about it, ask yourself if that advice would help you too. It’s absolutely helped me.
